Balancing Self-Care and Selflessness
For years, whenever I heard ‘self-care’ or ‘self-love’ recommended, I would roll my eyes and dismiss the concepts as selfish and unnecessary. I was part of a community that emphasized humanity’s inherent self-centeredness, teaching that self-care was something we already practiced excessively and instinctively. It was my understanding that self-care was less of something to embrace but more of something to eradicate. I not only adopted these ideas but also, regrettably, reinforced them to others, convinced that the more you deny yourself, the more honorable the path.
“Denying yourself,” “picking up your cross daily,” “turning the other cheek,” and “laying down your life” are beautiful concepts that can inspire humility, selflessness, and love. However, when placed in the wrong hands, these teachings can be taken to harmful extremes and used as tools for control.
Following these teachings to an extreme led me down a path where I ignored my body’s signals and neglected its needs. I was running on fumes, and I was overly critical of myself - and of others who I perceived weren’t “sacrificing enough.” I had also stopped listening to my own intuition, convinced that denying myself and trusting others’ guidance over my own was the right thing to do. In the process, I abandoned much myself and lost my identity to an unhealthy ideology.
In this photo, you can see how neglecting self-care took a toll on my body. I weighed only 95 pounds, yet my stomach was distended from chronic stress. This eventually led to extreme sickness and stomach pain that left me housebound for months.
I likely would have continued crawling through life with this mindset, but one day, it became clear that these teachings had been used as tools for manipulation. Deep betrayal by someone who had been both our community’s spiritual leader and my closest companion revealed realities I couldn’t ignore. As a result, everything I had believed was called into question, and the world I had built around those beliefs began to unravel.
Unfortunately, once I realized how much of myself had been lost, the transition to a new mindset was anything but smooth. At first, I overcorrected. I felt like a bird that had been locked in a cage, trapped by a relentless pursuit of self-denial. When I was finally released, I didn’t know how to use my wings. I was unsteady, falling to the ground and crashing into walls, unsure how to navigate my newfound freedom.
In my determination to reclaim what I had lost, I became hyper-focused on my own needs for awhile. But eventually, I came to understand that true self-care isn’t about living in either extreme, but it’s about finding balance. It’s about meeting my own needs while being present for the people I care about.
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish
During this transition in my life, my biggest saving grace was a friend who took my kids and me under her wing. She provided a safe space where I could begin to heal. She encouraged me to start listening to my intuition again and supported me as I took steps to reclaim my health. She watched my kids so I could exercise and sleep. She even made sure I was taking the time to eat and nourish myself.
In many ways, she nursed me back to health, reminding me that a degree of self-care wasn’t selfish but essential for survival and growth. I will be forever grateful.
While she was familiar with the teachings that had become particularly detrimental to me due to how they were taught and applied, she had found a beautiful balance in her life and was kind enough to help me on my journey. Her example showed me that it was possible to care for yourself without abandoning your care for others - and that the two could actually go hand-in-hand.
After only a couple months, I started to feel healthy again. I gained weight and my digestive issues were resolved with a new life-style and distance from a toxic environment.
The Science of Thinking Beyond Yourself
While I came from an imbalanced perspective that overly prioritized self-denial, I think our society today can swing too far in the opposite direction, overlooking the value of being other-centered and how beneficial it can be for both individuals and communities. Research shows that true satisfaction comes from finding a balance between self-care and prioritizing others. In Mel Robbins’ podcast episode The Science of Well-Being, Dr. Laurie Santos explains that one of the most powerful ways to improve your own happiness is by focusing on - and taking action to meet - the needs of others.
Simple acts of kindness, like helping a stranger, offering encouragement to a friend, or even smiling at someone, doesn’t just brighten their day, it can also lift your own mood. These small, intentional gestures strengthen your sense of connection, purpose, and belonging. All of these factors are deeply tied to long-term happiness and health.
The same podcast also touches on the concept of time affluence, which is the feeling of having enough time to dedicate to the things that truly matter, including helping others. Research shows that people who give their time to others - whether by volunteering, mentoring, or simply being present - report feeling more fulfilled and less stressed.
In contrast, focusing solely on yourself and your own problems can create a cycle of isolation, overthinking, and dissatisfaction.
Striking a healthy balance doesn’t mean neglecting your own needs but instead recognizes the profound joy and meaning that comes from thinking about others. As Mel Robbins puts it, “When we step outside ourselves and connect with others, we step into the most meaningful parts of life.”
This perspective challenges the individualistic mindset many of us have been conditioned to adopt. By prioritizing others - whether offering a helping hand, practicing gratitude, or simply listening - we’re not just improving their lives; we’re also strengthening our own mental health. Acts of kindness and connection help build a foundation of happiness and resilience, benefitting ourselves and those around us.
The Link Between Self-Care, Social Connection, and Health
While self-care is crucial for maintaining mental and physical health, it’s important to recognize that it’s not sufficient in isolation. In fact, focusing too much on self-care without considering the importance of social connection can have negative consequences.
Dr. Jamil Zaki, a professor of psychology at Stanford, points out in his research the dangers of cynicism and assuming the worst about people. Cynical individuals tend to experience more health issues and lower levels of happiness.
When we’ve been hurt or feel critical of others, it can be tempting to retreat into a world of self-care as a form of self-protection. However, this retreat can lead to isolation, which is proven to be detrimental to a person’s health and happiness.
These were things I had to come to terms with after intense betrayal. I naturally wanted to guard myself. I was suspicious of other people and being hyper-focused on my own needs felt like the safest way forward.
The truth is, we are social creatures. Social connection is one of the most powerful tools we have for improving our mental health and for increasing quality of life. Studies consistently show that people with strong social ties are happier, healthier, and live longer.
Naturally, when we isolate ourselves - whether due to fear, hurt, or a hyper-focus on self-care - we miss out on these benefits.
True self-care involves balancing our own needs with meaningful connections to others. It’s not about choosing one over the other. It’s about recognizing that engaging with others, building trust, maintaining open-mindedness, and fostering empathy are all forms of self-care. When we allow ourselves to open up, even when it feels vulnerable, we create opportunities for growth, healing, and deeper fulfillment.
Weightlifting: My Favorite Form of Self-Care
For me, weightlifting became more than just a workout - it was a lifeline. After experiencing deep loss, I was left questioning everything. Weightlifting was the one thing that improved my physical health and kept me grounded. It was a form of self-care that went beyond getting my nails done or shopping. It was tangible proof that I could be resilient; it was a visible representation of not giving up but using hardship to produce strength.
During a time when I didn’t know what to believe anymore, the gym offered consistency and science. Lifting weights gave me predictability in a way that life wouldn’t. It provided me a place to show up, put in the work, and follow the principles of proper training to see beneficial results.
Having the reliability of a fitness routine gave me a sense of stability when everything else felt shaky.
Each time I stepped under the barbell, it was an act of defiance against the voice inside of me that was trying to convince me that life was too hard. I wasn’t just building muscle, I was rebuilding my sense of self. Strength training taught me patience, perseverance, and the power of consistency.
This was several months after taking care of my body. I was really starting to feel good!
Video by Edgar Infante
The most important lesson I learned was that self-care doesn’t have to be selfish. As I grew stronger physically, I realized that I was better able to show up for the people I loved. I had more energy, more patience, and more capacity to give. This is the balance I hope to inspire in others: not self-care that isolates, but self-care that empowers us to connect and contribute.
Practical Strategies for Finding Balance
Balancing self-care with connection doesn’t mean sacrificing one for the other. Instead, it’s about integrating practices that nourish your body, mind, and relationships. Here are some strategies to help you find that balance:
1. Let Movement Be Your Anchor
Staying active isn’t just about physical strength or aesthetics. It’s also a powerful way to clear your mind and reduce stress. When you approach fitness with consistency and the right plan, it becomes a reliable foundation for your overall well-being. Use movement as a foundation for providing the energy boost you need to show up for yourself and others.
2. Nourish Your Body Through Intentional Nutrition
Food is more than fuel: it can be a form of self-care that can improve your energy, mood, and ability to connect with others. Prioritize holistic and balanced nutrition that includes lean proteins, healthy fats, and fiber-rich carbs to support both your physical goals and overall health. Consider making nutrition a shared experience by meal prepping with friends, hosting a healthy dinner, or sharing recipes. These kinds of activities turn food into a bridge for connection and wellness.
3. Prioritize Small Acts of Connection
Social connection doesn’t have to be grand or time-consuming. Start with small, meaningful gestures like going on a walk or checking in on a friend, sharing a meal, discussing each other’s goals, or chatting about nutrition hacks that are working for you. These small efforts can strengthen your relationships and help improve your overall health.
4. Set Boundaries Without Isolation
Self-care often requires saying no, but it doesn’t mean cutting people out. Learning to communicate your needs effectively can help you maintain balance. For example, let loved ones know when you need alone time to recharge, but follow up with intentional moments of connection.
5. Reframe Self-Care as Community Care
Self-care doesn’t have to be solitary. Cooking a healthy meal for your family, joining a book club, or volunteering are all ways to care for yourself while engaging with others. When you expand your definition of self-care, you create opportunities to nurture both yourself and your relationships.
6. Practice Trust and Vulnerability
After betrayal or loss, it’s natural to guard yourself, but healing often comes through rebuilding trust. Start small: share something meaningful with a trusted friend, or allow yourself to be open in safe, low-stakes environments. Vulnerability can deepen your relationships and remind you of the strength that comes from connection.
7. Recognize Progress Beyond the Scale
In fitness and life, progress isn’t always about measurable outcomes. Celebrate the strength you gain, the habits you build, and the relationships you foster along the way. These are all signs that you’re growing in balance and resilience.
Finding Strength in Balance
Self-care and selflessness are not opposites - they are two sides of the same coin. When we take care of our bodies and minds, we become stronger, more resilient, and better equipped to show up for the people who matter most. And when we nurture our relationships, we gain the support and connection we need to thrive.
For me, weightlifting was the key that unlocked this balance. It gave me the stability and strength to rebuild after life-shattering events, teaching me that progress is both predictable and empowering when we show up with consistency.
But it also reminded me that we are not meant to do life alone. True strength comes from finding harmony between caring for ourselves and staying connected to others.
I hope this message encourages you to find your own balance. Whether it’s hitting the gym, sharing a meal with a loved one, or simply showing kindness to yourself. Remember, the journey isn’t about perfection - it’s about persistence. Keep showing up, for yourself and for the people around you, and watch how life transforms.
If you found this article helpful and are interested in getting more tools for your fitness journey, connect with me here.
Here’s to a happier and well-balanced body and mind!
Email: brittneysmithfitness@gmail.com
Website: Brittney Smith Fit : Online Coaching